After a full and good Veterans Day, I prepared myself for bed and found a palpable feeling of anxiety and stress begin to envelope and press in on me. I felt a heavy load as I considered all the things I need to accomplish the next day, and over the week to prepare for my upcoming concert, and also take care of my family responsibilities. I took a paper and pen and quickly wrote a list of about 10 items I should do, with the hope that by writing it down I wouldn't worry about them all night. After my prayers, I still felt a squeezing, and oppressing feeling. I rolled over to Quin and said, "Will you sing Hush Little Baby to me?". I chuckled as I found myself asking such a request. He returned the chortle, patted me on the head, and made up the most silly rhyme to the tune. It made me smile, but I then found myself blurting out, "I need my Mommy!" I don't remember if Quin responded, because I was trying to keep the water from spilling out of my eyes. It was a reaction I wasn't prepared for and it startled me. I rolled over and began imagining my mother singing to me. I imagined her from my 5 year old memory. Her hair was black, and fluffy. Her smile gentle. Her eyes brown and tender. She sang "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong, they are weak, but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me, the bible tells me so." 
As she sang she "painted my face" with long gentle strokes. The tension in my body began to melt away as she outlined my eyebrows, by eyes, my nose, my cheeks, mouth and chin. As she caressed small lockets of my hair, gently pulling them between her fingers, I slipped into a restful peace. I felt warm, calmed and some time later I must have fallen asleep. At 3:00 AM I awoke with a start. My anxiety began to weigh in once again, but I immediately turned my mind to my earlier respite. I willed myself back to my mother's side, and repeated the same scenario I have described. I quickly resumed my slumber, and in the morning I awoke with a feeling of wonder as a recalled the emotions of the night. I often have trouble sleeping. I think my body thinks after a good power nap, I should get up and get to work. I don't agree with my body, so I lay in bed pretending to sleep. I figure if I'm laying still, at least my body is getting repaired, and there's some benefit. My mind on the other hand, has a mind of it's own, and I have a hard time controlling it, and making it sleep. Sometimes I design concerts, and choreography--and I feel like it's fairly okay, but many times it just circles around demanding that I remember things, and do things later, and I make mountains of lists, and sing songs in circles, and reprimand myself for not sleeping. There's probably a name for this kind of behavior, but I don't want to label myself with a sleep disorder, so I'll just vent. I just need to approach my end of the day routine differently, and that's a story for another day.
The thing that I find most interesting about my experience is that after 46+ years, the calming influence of my precious mother can still have a profound effect on my life. I'm in awe that her simple actions imprinted my life so deeply, and that even now I can not recall it without blinking back a few tears, and emotion welling up in my throat. How can anyone devalue the influence of a mother? Did she have psychology, and human behavior classes? Did she study relaxation techniques, and child behavior strategies? I don't think so. She had intuition, practical sense and LOVE, and she was there. She was ALWAYS there. I wonder, where is she now? Is she really always there now? Could those memories have been augmented because she was there? When I cried out, "I need my Mommy" did she know I needed HER? Could her love have penetrated the veil and enveloped me that night, giving me that feeling of peace, calm and security? Somehow I think that is exactly what happened. Certainly the tender mercies of the Lord could include me feeling His love, AND enabling me to feel HER love and influence. I certainly wasn't trying to access her realm, but I'm intrigued to think that I did, and that perhaps she was aware of my need. I wonder how close my loved ones are on the other side. I wonder if they are much more aware of us than we realize. I wonder if they help us more than we have considered. It has been an interesting week of pondering for me.
How and why this experience happened to me is curious. The fact that it did happen means everything to me. I'm so grateful for my dear mother, for all she gave to me, and for the deep impressions she made on my soul. I know she is somehow near, and that she loves me deeply, and she still cares deeply. I know that I can't always control my mind and body, but when I feel helpless, I am not left alone. God is mindful of me, and he has numerous methods to come to my aid. I haven't experienced this kind of a rescue before, and it may be a singular event for my life. I will cherish and remember it, and who knows, just this memory alone may succor me once again.
1 comment:
Thank you so much for sharing this precious moment with us. I personally believe that she is near and chooses to be so.
I will share an experience I had this year that comforted me as well. It will be later though. Love you sis.
St.
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